Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg

I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”

On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.

I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”

My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life

I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.

How my city treated us singles yesterday😮‍💨😩

If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser

I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached

I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.

Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?

My Boss: This is inappropriate

Me: Your skin is so…

My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.

[5am]

Cat: *retching in the hallway*

Me: *tired moan*

My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.

I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.

I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter

I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.

How to lose a gf:

Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.

cashier: would you like a receipt?

me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)

cashier: well?

me: I want to talk to a lawyer

Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?

3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.

Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.

Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do

I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.

I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.