Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
You Might Also Like
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
My dog learned how to text
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this