Bed should get ready for ME
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[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
i dont have time for this
