Bed should get ready for ME
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Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I am having an out of money experience.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?