Bed should get ready for ME
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I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
this is a sign that you need a union
That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic