Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today

*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples

[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here

5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.

Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.

CEO: we need to cut legal in half

Legal: i’m the only one here

CEO: yep

I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse

sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake

Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.

I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

me: do u take walk-ins?

morgue: what

I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.

Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.

girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back

me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa

My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”

We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”

I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

[Gets Pulled Over]

Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars

[1st date]

Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster

Him: we should check out my hot-tub later

Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*

“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”