{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
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[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Employees must applaud the planets.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.