{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
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*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
dutch is not a serious language
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.