Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.

Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.

Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them

I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.

If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.

It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.

Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.

[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car

It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”

My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.

[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.

My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.

Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.

inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause

DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too

Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…

got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses

Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.

Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”

Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”

💀

i think my razor is having a panic attack

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.

Be the change!!

*loosely falls to the floor*

*quarter spins*

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.

Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.

if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you

If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.

“That’s what” – She

The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.