Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

do horses think humans are hats

I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.

told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.

waiter: *murdering me*

me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine

at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.

Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.

Him:

Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

*first day as a vegan*

“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”

For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.

*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?

The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.

There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist

My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.

This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists

gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots

People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.

subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog

im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion

Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.

Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.

therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that

Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.

I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born