Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

[first date]

Date: how much do you drink a week?

Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.

Date: right.. Let’s do shots.

Me: i love shots.

Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha

My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call

if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase

need him

Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.

[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19

-Prime Minister

One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.

Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy

umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.

I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**

*me
**National Cheesecake Day

My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.

If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.

[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.

Hamburger Hinderer.

My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account

Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!

Me: Do you like my novel?

Publisher: it’s a tree

Me: I told you it was in the early stages

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek

PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure

I’m too immature for adultery.

My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.

Y’all wanna hear something funny?

Lol me too

99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.

Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.

Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava

my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son