Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!

I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.

honey, bring out the fine china.

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week

No I will not change my password.

If someone wants this life, they can have it.

The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?

Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.

*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP

Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.

On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.

when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances

*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards

Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

My Guy

[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.

If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.

My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler

I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.

surgeon: scalpel.

me: careful, it’s sharp! haha

[everyone screams]

me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke

WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them

“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”

When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.

Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?

Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?

I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.

Be the change!!

*loosely falls to the floor*

*quarter spins*