[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
You Might Also Like
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
*pokes sex life with a stick
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.