Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
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Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…