Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.

Quarantine log, Day 8:

Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.

Me: What for? You have plenty of food.

Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.

Me:

Me: You can talk!

If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.

“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”

I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.

serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death

me: so you’re gonna let me live

if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe

I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…

“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.

Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.

if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”

[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?

People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.

Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese

Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.

“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”

narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman

every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood

Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes

This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead

*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*

I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.

“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.

arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”

friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist

me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!

10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”

Husband:

Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”

People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit