Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches

ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.

dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle

I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.

A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.

I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.

My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.

Me: How was my snoring last night?

Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT

*Me at a fitness consult

Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”

5: Dad, can you get me pasta?

Me: Ah, we don’t have any.

5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.

What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram

Now this is how you LinkedIn

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting

One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.

Bay: come over

Me: no, I’m watching TMNT

Bay: I made one too

Me: but it’s awful

Bay: come watch it

Me: who gave you my number, Michael

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

“Hello what’s your emergency?”

Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up

Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!

Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote