Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.

Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!

I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.

I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.

*From me

I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.

Ores being fire proof makes me think maybe the Oreo doomsday vault is real after all.

My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria

ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly

reduce, reuse, recycle

boss: you know what’s weird

me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?

boss: how the flin— yes exactly

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)

wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair

When it comes to depression, sighs matters

Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.

[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?

My church trusts me to collect and count the offering but not to pick up the donuts and that’s fair.

Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.

Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”

[undercover as a mom]

Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now

Other moms: *narrow eyes*

Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months

I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.

Tried arguing on the internet today.

Wouldn’t recommend it.

0 out of 5 stars.

Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.

I’m not touch-starved, I’m just a little touch snacky. I could eat some touches