Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”

“Different fathers?”

“Shark attack.”

That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??

6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?

Me: Uh

6: Nevermind, Siri…

The new American dream is an alien invasion.

My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.

ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.

art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*

Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”

James Blunt: you’re beautiful

James Blunter: I’ve seen better

Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?

So they can be namaste at home moms.

In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.

Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough

All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today

I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.

*adds pineapple to your lasagna*

4: I didn’t know lizards were cold

6:

4:

6: BLIZZards

What the hell is going on in that bathroom?

My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.

True story:

I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.

If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes

*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?

Son: …

Me: It’s also a famous explorer.

Son: Dora?

Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer

Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.