[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

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Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!

Alexa: Hold my beer!!!


Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are

Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?


*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?


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Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.


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The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky


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