I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
[Bedroom at midnight]
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
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“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes