[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
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Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names