@ChicksRule

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

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@KnownComment

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

@JohnLyonTweets

“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise

@AmishPornStar1

Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!

Alexa: Hold my beer!!!

@VikingBut

Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are

Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?

@CAshmanActor

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

@DamnitJosh

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

@AnOrangeSNES

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

@a_simpl_man

The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky

@PatsATweetin

YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”

@donni

Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes