[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
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I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
That took me a moment.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
*puts words between two asterisks*
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
@ candidates for local office
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Peace was never an option
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.