Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.

Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

The night is dark and full of terrors.

My day is long and full of meetings.

Same thing.

[Christmas Party]

*opening my gifts*

Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago

[right before the quest for the holy grail]

king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?

‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch

Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this

Her: all the food?

Me: no this penguin

caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…

me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???

caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?

Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”

Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby

In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses

At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.

People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.

Peace was never an option

uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is

*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*

Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard

Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.

alien: take me to your leader

me: take me to YOUR leader

alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?

Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!

~ me, pleading with my hair

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place

MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT

I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.

Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.

Again.

[archaeological dig]

ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here

ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot

I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy