Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.

Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…

The Mayor in Jaws was right.

Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”

“Who made that decision?”

“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”

Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.

My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.

What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.

As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.

you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway

Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.

Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.

if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends

Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion

Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.

A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.

WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂

Him: What’s your fantasy, baby

Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS

My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?

[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable

Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind

Me: Want a back rub?

Wife: It depends

Me: On what?

Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?

Me:

Wife: No. The answer is no.

[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]

11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.

Me: What class is this for?

11: I haven’t started yet.