@ProdigyNelson

[bedroom]
Her: omg don’t stop
Me: what was that?
Her: *sighs* Simon says don’t stop

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@SteveKoehler22

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

@Sean_Burgundy_

I hate when I meet a beautiful woman and have to leave bc someone who beat me in a rap battle is walking my way

@ADHDeanASL

Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice

@bartandsoul

If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.

@TheTweetOfGod

Only an idiot would stand outside in a hurricane just to go on camera and say that only an idiot would stand outside in a hurricane.

@MrSpoonicorn

what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs

@AllanForsyth

I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.

@Sickayduh

Hey girl are you a Sony Pictures movie because I wanna [end of joke redacted due to foreign pressure]

@InternetHippo

[thoughts of person talking to me]: He’s furrowing his brow, he must really be listening!

[my brain]: How do cows make cheese