Her: omg don’t stop
Me: what was that?
Her: *sighs* Simon says don’t stop

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I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.


I hate when I meet a beautiful woman and have to leave bc someone who beat me in a rap battle is walking my way


Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice


If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.


Only an idiot would stand outside in a hurricane just to go on camera and say that only an idiot would stand outside in a hurricane.


what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs


I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.


Hey girl are you a Sony Pictures movie because I wanna [end of joke redacted due to foreign pressure]


[thoughts of person talking to me]: He’s furrowing his brow, he must really be listening!

[my brain]: How do cows make cheese