How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
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You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise