Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic

wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]

Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI

It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!

If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”

I know that now.

Hot Fuzz; Sea mine

Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.

Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.

What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?

Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.

[invention of history]

Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.

Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?

Clark Kent: *removes glasses*

Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.

I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.

I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :

Hugh Janus

And now i can’t stop laughing

… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that

Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:

– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.

Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday

me: WHEN IS THAT

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through

“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.

“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.

I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.

Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before

stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books