Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.

me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]

person: take $6??

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.

Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people

My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic

Me:

My grandfather: The Grampacalypse

Me:

My grandfather: Grandmageddon

I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.

Me: I’d like to return this

Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room

Me: ya it sucks

Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.

Son:

Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.

Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.

ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else

MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works

me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.

A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.

crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators

Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded

Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?

I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching

[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope

A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.

So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…

2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.

😂😂