[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
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My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??