[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
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Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
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My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
584.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
“Condescending?” Who put that word into your pretty little head?
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation