[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
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[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school