Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: We need a more colourful couch

My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.

7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”

Me: “Sleep.”

7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”

Exactly.

ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.

RECIPE SITE: Sure!

ME: Thank you.

RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—

ME: *Whispers* No.

RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.

“Australia is the smallest planet”

– first day of school already paying off

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

*loses my composure*

Weigh me now

My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”

newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?

me: it’s fine by me

newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!

I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.

It’s a great way to meet chicks.

me: can i have a raise?

boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals

me: by giving me more money

I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.

UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier

“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward

[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?

Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.

I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.

Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-

Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

Mom: we picked Bertha

Shakespere: oh god ew

[avengers trailer drops]

ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez

[john wick trailer drops]

ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

My dad installed a dash cam in my car at some point when I was home for thanksgiving and I found out when I turned my car on to go to target and a very clearly Chinese lady’s voice said “start recording” out of nowhere

Body: time to fall asleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

looking at weird sushi roll names and uh

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm

Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go

Kid: why do I have to do that?

Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies

Kid:

Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust