Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?

18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese

Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.

Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”

Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.

How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop

When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

boss: you’re fired

me: [pausing tiktok] why

I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.

Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.

Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history

One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.

People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.

My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW

Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.

I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”

Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.

Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”

Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.

Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.

[at the cheesecake factory]

me: I will have the cheesecake

waiter: okay

*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?

independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator

Me: why

*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*

I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.

Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.

Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?

Me: Does sex count as exercise?

Dr: Yes.

Me: No.

Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish