[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
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📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.