Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…

Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself

“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato

The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.

George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.

Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:

To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME

Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.

2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*

Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?

23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles

Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.

When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.

A few hardest things to say:

“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”

“Worcestershire Sauce”

Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.

Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you

Me: I have nothing to say

Also me: AND ANOTHER THING

Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.

alien: greetings earthlings

me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language

alien: yeet us to yaass queen

me: *pinches nose* ffs

Husband: “Lost my keys again.”

Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”

Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”

Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding

I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.

smh

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy

When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.

She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.

I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.