Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Probably my communication skills.

Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

Autocannibalism is self-serving.

Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.

I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.

I can’t 🤣🤣🤣

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup

*eats only grass-fed donuts

I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.

“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”

~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion

Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.

a badder mouse

Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him

I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂

No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?

Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot

*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.

Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.

the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder

According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.

Not at all I replied.

Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.

Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”

Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.

Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified

Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’

I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber

As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”