Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.

remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister

My birthstone is a marshmallow.

My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?

Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.

How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’

My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb

Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare

Librarian: which one?

Me: William

You should be able to google why a couple broke up

my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend

getting old is fun

You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.

Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”

Me: *swirls drink* “No”.

If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.

why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles

My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing it

I have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him

This is motherhood

I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.

When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

*pounding on her chest*

DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!

*pounds harder*

(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!

CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.

did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?

Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.

Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?

Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]

sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me

41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?

If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.

TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love

TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean

1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us