[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
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When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Become a minion. Get that bread.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021