[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
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bugs when you lift up a rock
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I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
Still a very good boi….
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.