Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

7: are eggs vegetables?

10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!

Husband: can I have a taste?

Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it

If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.

me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there

friend: that bad huh

me: you have no idea

[earlier in the bathroom]

man in the corner: *throwing pennies*

me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me

mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon

I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.

My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*

Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.

When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.

My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.

My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.

Alligators can live for up to 100 years.

So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”

[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.

[first day as a teacher]

*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”

[the lamaze class seems confused]

Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.

[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]

Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck

I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!

Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.

A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.

Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!

So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”

We all winked at each other and got in our cars.

Teamwork.

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.

Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.

Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there

Gemma Correll

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.

I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.

Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news

So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.