Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I came.

I saw.

I lost a banana.

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.

Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”

Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”

H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”

man: wait

time: no

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…

no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”

*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people

Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets

When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.

[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some

What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.

Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.

*drops off box to Salvation Army*

“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”

*peels out*

Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to

Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this

*burglar alarm goes off*

me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work

Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]

Me: Don’t move!

Toddler: [sits on spill]

[first date]

me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes

Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.

“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”

“Are you drunk?”

“How do you know?”

“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”

#MothersDay

My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.