Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet

Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener

Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”

Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate

Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?

Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?

Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.

Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago

Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.

Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?

Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.

Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…

Prince William: Definitely not racistly!

ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.

With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.

In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.

wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song

My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often

I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”

Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.

I’m praying for you…

So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…

That’s from me

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.