Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.

Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.

My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.

They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty

The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.

[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?

All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss

Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?

Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”

The dog version of Die Hard:

– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle

Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.

I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals

[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.

ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

Thought for the day:

Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?

My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.

Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay

[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]

Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children

[Cop flashes headlights behind me]

WIFE: I think he wants you to stop

ME: No I think he wants a street race

[A few minutes later]

ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*

Not muting your mic is the new reply all