Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.

I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment

GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller

Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle

Government Shutdown: Day Two

Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.

Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

My current situation

I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”

some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures

DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish

SNAIL WIFE: Oh no

HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT

gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes

Whey they go low, I go high*

*can’t bend over due to age

Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.

ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.

Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?

My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”

ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside

BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot

In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.

Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this

My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly

Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.

Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die

if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?

podcasts

Son: “I hurt my foot”

Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”

Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”

Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”