Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks

Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.

Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”

Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”

I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…

[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No

If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.

My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.

Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.

My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics

If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:

my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”

The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages

You see my problem here

I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag

It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.

Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken

So…a deer was nice

The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.

Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen

I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.

Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha

If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.