[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
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I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
This sounds bad:
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.