Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

“our sushi is very fresh”

ME: *enters password*

COMPUTER: Weak and insecure

ME: No it’s not

COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine

Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.

God: please stop screaming.

Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!

God: you aren’t a ghost bear.

Polar Bear: are you sure?

God: that’s just how you look.

Polar Bear: oh. ok.

[Swan flies by]

God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!

The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.

Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat

[an eagle shrieks in the distance]

90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms

lmao😭🤣

Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”

If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.

I am preparing a divorce case with graphic compromising photos and they are scattered on my living room floor as I mark each one with exhibit stickers. My mom walks in and glances at the floor and says, “Oh! Are you making a scrapbook? I want to help!”

No. No you do not.

hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.

When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it

I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.

me: *finally catching up financially*

the brakes on my car: hehe

I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…

When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go

Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?

[marital relations]

My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

🤯🤯🤯

I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.

My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.

One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches

[Police station]

Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”

Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”

A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious

POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!

ME: My parents never loved me.

POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!

ME: That makes way more sense.

Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”

Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”

Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.