Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.

white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages

*adds resume embellisher to resume*

Darth: You should not have come back, old man.

Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.

Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games

my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?

Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)

(Later, 4:30pm)

6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?

Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?

Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM

Invisible Hands Adam: shit

❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.

Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.

Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?

Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer

Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.

I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night

Is this your resume?

“Yep”

It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away

“Oh yes”

Welcome to UPS!

me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house

drug dealer: who are you talking to

me: [lowering my voice] he knows

Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-

Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS

What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…

Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.

Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe

My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question

[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”

You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.

scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god

My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.