Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.

When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.

How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret

Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…

Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.

A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.

[speed dating]

HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father

ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop

Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”

Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.

[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”

I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.

If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.

Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”

My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal

One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.

People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.

M: what’s this about, 007?

James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am

M: are you sure?

JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him

M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?

pigeon: coo

M: my god man, you’re right!

I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.

I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.

Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.

My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job

friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper

me: [from a distance] just open it

Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed

This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”

“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”

-my brain

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.

Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.