Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.

FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN

Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station

Is Dutch some sort of clown language

“Age is just a number”

…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account

Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname

I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.

People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong

Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.

*gf making spaghetti*

Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?

Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!

Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..

I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”

I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.

“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”

I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal

He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.

A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.

[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”

All I want for Christmas is you.

Buried in my backyard.

using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism

Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”

Stop

he looks great for his age

I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬

DATE: do you want kids?

ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?

IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.

There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.

Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!