Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.

i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.

Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.

I’ll eat when I’m dead

– zombies

sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs

Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did

a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it

HER: hey, do u come here often?

ME: all the time

HER: do u know if the bartender is single?

Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁

I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.

I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.

Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me

Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?

[Krypto stares intently at Lois]

Superman: oh god he sees your bones run

[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago

The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.

Me: this pot sucks

Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast

I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.

me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean

brain: probably will be good in a minute

me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month

Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake

This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.

If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉

baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy

SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?

ME: You’re an uber!

SON: No, with your phone

ME: Oh, sorry [types]

SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*

I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.