Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule

Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?

*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*

H- Are you waving at the ground?

Me-Yes to both

I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.

6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream

Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”

Commas can make a world of difference…

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: “What companies are those?”

Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”

Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.

The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.

women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4

Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?

villagers: BURN THE WITCH

me: you’re the reason your dad left

witch: omg

villagers [lowering torches] damn dude

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.

buyer: does this van have child locks

me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it

“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”

Aliens: WHAT

you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now

Here you go, Merry Christmas!

“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”

Because I wanted to make-

Mom: NO DON’T

My presents felt

I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat!

*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases

Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

[date night]

me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here

gf: we are in your apartment

me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door

Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord