(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
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Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.