Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.

87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.

A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”

Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.

ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.

Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.

[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up

My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”

Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow

Me: Left hand, red

Me: Left foot, green

Police sketch artist: this can’t be true

I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.

The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.

It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor

[god creating elephant]

“overfeed that aardvark”

still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test

If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.

me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later

I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.

An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

You probably get this a lot but…

*punches you in the face*

Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.

the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service

Them: Are you Jewish?

Me: Yup.

Them: And you’re from Toronto?

Me: Yup.

Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.

Me: Not every Jew knows each other.

Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?

Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.

If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.