Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at work]

CW: Hey, I found your Twi…

Me: *jumps out window*

CW: …Twinkies.

*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact

It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.

Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.

i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune

Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.

“I don’t remember watching this”

SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.

“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”

Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.

Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:

VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things

Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues

Better “copulate” than “copunever.”

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.

If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.

When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”

The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.

*child becomes teenager*

Me: is it too late to rethink having children

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.

Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.

She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.

“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot

[we both wake up in a panic]

her: i dreamed you died

me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM

I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.

Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.

Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?

Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…

No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter

#CatsOnTwitter