Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus

I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.

Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.

As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon

Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED

I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.

I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.

Unhappy with work? Have a child.

Now you love work.

[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?

not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!

Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1577436336608448513/pu/vid/640x640/ABB7m-dtbb00WGQf.mp4?tag=12

Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.

PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET

My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!

My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!

5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now

Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻‍♀️😂

*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these

American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.

My mother: What color do you look good in?

Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.

Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.

ME: [standing in the rain]

STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella

ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.

My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.

I won, so we’re getting a Meth.

The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.

How does a Ninja attack a pig?

Pork Chop.

I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.

I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:

“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”

So far, they’re crushing it

As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.

Discuss.

me: bless me father for i have sinned

mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time

Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.