Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.

Comedy booker: how much time can you do?

Me: I have an hour

Comedy booker: there might be children there

Me: I have 7 seconds

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.

Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.

What a website

*accidentally watches MTV awards

“Who?”

Every damn time

I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.

My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer

Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail

…again.

(Now in theaters)

Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.

Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle

Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.

Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM

Obama: Please just wave.

Biden:

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING

Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.

Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.

Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving

Me: fine but I get to do some now.

Wife: owl allow it.

Me: wait-what are you doing?

Wife: toucan play this game.

Me: I don’t like this.

One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’

Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???

Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.

Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!

*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*

wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat

A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation

I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.

thanksgiving in nutshell

He’s cranky this morning

If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.

Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?