Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God creating humans]

God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc

Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?

God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol

Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.

What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice

Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.

What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once

her: what?

me: what?

We all wear masks.

I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask

In 3…2…1

AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!

[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]

If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.

The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”

If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.

I need to update my racial profile.

A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying

Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”

Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.

Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..

Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.

*roving gang of doctors walk past house*

*feral teacher crashes through window*

People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?

Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great

DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.

[Yelp Customer Review]

Bill’s Wild West Saloon

Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars

Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?