Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job

Willy Wonka:

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.

Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.

Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”

Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄

Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens

*eats only grass-fed donuts

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh

Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!

*silence*

Todd the snail: This is bullshit

*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*

mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk

One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.

Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!

Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass

*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*

Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”

5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”

Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”

this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen

Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.

*middle of a 6 hour road trip,

One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”

person: calm down

me: *calm immediately goes up*

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”

Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”

Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??

Me: I need to pee

Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh

cw: what did you do at the weekend?

me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal

cw: I think you mean belated?

m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean

This rocks

customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?

me: [looks over at dog] that is correct