[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
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˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Every work call, he judges.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Breaking news:
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.