Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]

*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*

Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.

I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave

The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild

This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩

[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks

I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.

Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”

Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”

It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

[Gender reveal party]

Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?

Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT

6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name

My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.

When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William

Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?

Children: Wait, what?

Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids

I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.

This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen

Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.

Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying

My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating

Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore

Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word

my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all

This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.

BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?

NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-

INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know