Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.

If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old

[ during sex ]

Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.

Everyone is always doing laundry

*changes name to laundry

I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around

“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”

“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”

Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.

She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht

Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?

Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.

YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.

I unironically love this joke.

Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s

[divorce court]

ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody

JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”

I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.

Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”

Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe

Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.

*Don’t Walk sign flashes*

Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”

9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!

I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda

My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.