Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).

No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.

Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?

My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.

Me: …

Him: …

Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.

Him: How have you lived this long?

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter

My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?

Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?

we don’t make people walk the plank like we used to

[supermarket – empty shelves]

me: everyone is hordeing

her: I think you mean hoarding

me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean

I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.

My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs

My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.

ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?

Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class

Amazon Review Guide

⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating

i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break

[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis

i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon

Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

[first day birdwatching]

is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?

Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.

Facebook: Be the first person to like this.

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?

13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.

Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.

13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.

Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…

Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.

I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.

Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.