[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
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“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here