[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
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The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
I identify as an antique shop.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
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The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person