[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
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how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit