Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
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Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Fixed this for Shakespeare
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens