Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

detective: what happened?

librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

detective: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac

DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go

DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*

Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.

My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.

Most terrifying carousel ride ever.

When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years

Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.

Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!

At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”

me: I brought a note from my doctor

dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle

I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?

We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.

I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”

Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*

“What have you heard?”

I’m sick of everybody in this house.

-me, who lives alone.

E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me:

Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-

The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”

The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.

They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”

Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.

My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned

college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”