Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”

My fingers.

“No, like… Are you pinching me??”

GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB

I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.

My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.

How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.

if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month

Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?

11: Post Melon

6:

her: [during sex] call me names

me: [panicking] optimus prime

[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…

I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.

Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night

H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.

M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!

H: Have you been day drinking?

As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!

I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.

Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.

“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*

*Adorns new baby with:

Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*

They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!

*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity

wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”

My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.

RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.

Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.