Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation

Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.

Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid

the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles

I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.

My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.

“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling

“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc

if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently

I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.

You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.

Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.

It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now

Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around

Wife: Can you make the bed

Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon

If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.

School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.

A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.

I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.

Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.

[being stabbed]

me: please, just do one thing for me…

murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today

A career website for plumbers called sinkedin

If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.

Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.

Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now

Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep

One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.