Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy

One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…

Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.

Wife: We need a new fridge.

Me: This is a terrible day.

Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.

Me: This is the best day of my life.

I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.

Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:

I don’t usually break into song. BUT…

Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.

[later]

Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…

My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.

They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?

Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.

TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step

Me: Why do you say that?

TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard

Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana

“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”

*two steaks giggle*

“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”

You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.

My favorite state to visit?

Unconsciousness

Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park

The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline

Cw: you have a call holding

M: put it in my voicemail

Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent

M: hiiii this is Jennifer

All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.

I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.

Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage

When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.

Friend: have you ever been to Norway?

Wife: sadly no.

Friend: why not?

Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.

Me: that’s not what I said.

Wife:

Friend:

Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.

Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.

I need sex to help my sex life, not food.

remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s

GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*

I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.

Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon

Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though

Me: What’s Animal Crossing?

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”

If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]