Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me making someone eat a chip with my mind

I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.

Me: Mum was I adopted?

Mum: Yes, but they gave you back

Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.

BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks

ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake

BOSS: Getting easier

Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.

Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?

officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*

Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.

Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence

A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.

i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one

commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart

If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.

Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.

The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.

Him: you’re not wearing pants?

Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?

Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?

Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!

My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.

Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too

I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”

I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.

The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…

…unless it’s 3am…

…and it’s coming from your roof.

Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?

Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.