Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
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who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Meow
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Natty or not?
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.