Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
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My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Always a metermaid never a meter
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.