Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.

The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam

Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time

Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.

Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.

My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.

1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…

[god creating kangaroos]

Let’s make a horse rabbit.

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.

Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂

Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”

I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?

If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.

Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.

An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…

I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”

ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?

HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it

You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled

God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.

Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?

God: Turn its frown upside down.

Angel: That’s not much of a diff-

God: Give it a sideways tail.

Angel: O…kay…

God: Punch a hole in its noggin.

My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.

My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.

girl: wanna have car sex?

me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler

the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it

“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good