Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.

thinking about this

Me: Knock knock.

Psychic: Ha! Good one.

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.

[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER

Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.

Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead

I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”

ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!

ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm

Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.

Dragon: This is the last time.

Unicorn: Hell yeah!

Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]

I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings

[karate class]

Sensei: break this board with your hands

Me: why can’t I use an axe?

Sensei: because I hate you

boss: you’re late

me: I broke down on the way here

boss: did they tow your car?

me: car?

Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.

Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.

No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age

Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first

*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”

The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano

The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them

I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”

Me, “*You’re.”

May have lost a new client but they learned something today.

Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!

-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.

Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.