Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I unironically love this joke.

As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.

Time flies like an arrow…

But fruit flies like a banana.

Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]

Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”

me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”

I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.

Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.

I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry

*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant

Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”

My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.

I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.

Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.

I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.

Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”

May have had one breakfast too many

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

captain: any leads in the diarrhea case

detective: nothing solid

Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you

The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.

I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.

I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.

If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!

Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.