Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
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Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.