Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
You Might Also Like
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
haha same
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?