@E_lok44

Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.

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@mrtiredeyes

[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix

@4SLars

I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.

@smerobin

My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.

@BlindChow

*uses Oujia board*

?????? ???? ?????

me: what’s updog?

??? ????, ???, ???? ????? ?? ??????? ???? ???

me: what

cat: what

@DadBits

Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.

@missmayn

I find it in poor taste that the 1am drive-thru attendant asks “How are you?” Not good, Maria. Clearly.

@nickbilton

My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.

@ilovepie84

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.