Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.

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[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix


I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.


My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.


*uses Oujia board*

?????? ???? ?????

me: what’s updog?

??? ????, ???, ???? ????? ?? ??????? ???? ???

me: what

cat: what


Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.


I find it in poor taste that the 1am drive-thru attendant asks “How are you?” Not good, Maria. Clearly.


My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.


I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.