Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.

I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.

they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter

[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”

“Have you had a shower today?”

Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?

Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.

Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.

Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?

Dr: I hate this job.

I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.

Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.

My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging

They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.

My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night

Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick

Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.

Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.

Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.

Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!

Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.

make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion

While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.

3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!

Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.

3 y/o: what?

Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.