Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
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Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
lmao
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t