Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
![]()
You Might Also Like
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
![]()
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad