Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
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“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
#SaturdayBears
Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Interviewer: “so what would you bring to our firm that others may not offer?”
Me: *seductively slides a kazoo across the desk
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.