Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
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Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!